I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
