Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
