I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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