Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
