I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
