We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
