actually, I'm a sock model
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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