i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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