i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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