I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
