Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
