Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
