Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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