i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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