If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can I color on your dick again?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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