ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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