I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
