I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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