Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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