Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If I die, sorry about rent.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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