why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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