everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
