I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
