I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
