All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm passing your future prison.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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