If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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