I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
