Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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