ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
