Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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