So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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