I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
