I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if only i could text you this smell
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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