I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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