Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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