im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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