remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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