I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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