She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
