Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
