Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
