Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh god it's open bar.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
