I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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