If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
