Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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