I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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