So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
