Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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