You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
