i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
