3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.