Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
