Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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