In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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