Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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