I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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