Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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