Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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