I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
