I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
